No sources; all from brain-
As you all know, July is a very slow month for sports. The MLB and Free Agency in the NHL and NBA have now, respectively, either entered the All-Star break, or calmed down a bit.
If you’re really craving some action: the WNBA regular season is in full swing, the NBA is airing some Summer League games, and The Big Bang Theory is in syndication on literally every channel.
Since 99.9% of you are struggling to stay awake during this snoozefest, you and I are going to look at some trades that have been developing for years outside of the sports world.
Harambe the Gorilla: (Three Team Deal)
The trade is best explained in this graphic:
Harambe, a Western lowland gorilla, was born at the Gladys Porter Zoo in Brownsville, Texas. In 2014, when Harambe was coming out of the minors at 15 years-of-age, the Cincinnati Zoo received Harambe in a long-term three-team deal. For the Gladys Porter Zoo this trade was ill-advised. Management had been told that Harambe was to be brought up into the big leagues in Cincinnati, but the third team in the deal had other plans.
Death picked up Harambe off of waivers in May of 2016. Harambe had taken up a babysitting job against his will when a small child jumped into his Cincinnati crib (not like baby crib like MTV crib). The Zoo staff shot Harambe to keep the boy out of harms way, but in reality Harambe was just babysitting the boy in the absence of his human parent. The Zoo staff couldn’t understand Harambe, for he is a Gorilla and he is unable to learn English.
Though no further moves have been announced it is certain that Harambe is in gorilla heaven.
This one is also much easier to explain in a graphic:
If you look outside your house right now you can probably see the Childhood Obesity trade in action. Michelle Obama tried to get everyone to go outside. She showed conviction, and persistence with that Play 60 thing, but ultimately, because of the upcoming loss of cap space when Barack leaves office, she had to trade off Childhood Obesity to Pokemon Go.
Pokemon Go had a better idea. They decided that simply telling children to exercise doesn’t work.
The main reason kids even go outside is to drown in a mound of McNuggets, bathe in an ice-cold Coke, and finish it all off with a McFlurry.
Pokemon Go took something every kid loves: attaching their face to a cell phone, and they combined it with running around blindly to find the timelessly exciting creatures that some of them are probably too young to pronounce.
Childhood Obesity: #done (That is why there is no hypothetical third arrow. It’s all over)