Malia Obama Seen Smoking the Devils Grass at Lollapalooza

Well it’s official, this country has gone to shit. Despite us having two psychos running for president, I had some hope that we still had some good in us. That hope was obliterated today as a I read, over at the¬†NY Post, that our own Commander-In-Chief’s daughter was smoking pure evil. For all you good, non-homicidal people, I’m talking about weed. Here’s what the Post said:

“The 18-year-old first kid was caught smoking what looks like a joint at a concert in a video that emerged Wednesday.

The video, posted by Radar Online, shows Obama puffing away on the cigarette at the Lollapalooza festival in Chicago last month.

An eyewitness claimed that Obama was smoking pot, according to the website.”

You can find that video here.

I’m almost too shocked to even write this story. Like, a college student was smoking weed?! That’s insane! Much more at the fact that it’s at a music festival featuring a ton of EDM artists. If there’s one thing I’d never want to do when seeing Griz or Major Lazer, it’s smoke a blunt. Ugh that sounds awful.

And apparently there’s another video of her TWERKING! Can Malia just come out and say she worships satan already? Because no normal girls would smoke AND twerk in one lifetime.

Actually though, I feel bad for her. She can’t do anything normal college kids do without having these gossip websites flip out over it. Like imagine every time you go out to do something you’ve got these 35-year-old “journalists” reporting on everything. If that happened to me I’d walk around holding a crack pipe. Not because I ever plan on smoking fucking crack, but because it would be awesome to mess with the media. She’s got to do something like that so if she ever gets caught smoking weed again people will think, “Well at least it’s not crack”. I see no downside in that plan.

P.S. I guess I’m kind of guilty of reporting on a gossip piece, and may end up being hypocritical for talking about this story, but at least I put satire in it and don’t actually give a fuck about a girl smoking weed.

P.P.S. Michael Phelps. Give us pageviews.

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