We’ve all been there. Some of us a few more times than others. You’re riding high after coasting to a 3-0 record with a Week 4 match up against the guy that’s at a hard 0-3, that drafted his defense in the seventh round, that can’t possibly beat you and BOOM.
Your first round pick decides to cue up some Sarah Mclachlan, right up the middle, and stick you with an Irish goodbye.
You never win again.
Now that we’ve gotten that PTSD out of the way it’s time for me to tell you why that anecdote is going to happen to you in five different, soul crushing, nightmare fueling ways.
1. He’s Going to Smoke Pot
Your fantasy season is that jags linebacker.
Your first round pick, be it a running back, a wide out, kicker (would be a bold move, Cotton), whoever it is that you draft is going to slam a couple of pot cookies, wash them down with a bong bowl and some Captain Crunch, and cap it all off with a drug test that he forgot he had to take the next morning.
Just like that, as soon as that dirty piss hits the pH tab your season is finished, and you spiral into last place.
2. You’re Going to Trade Him, You Idiot
You lost sleep about it. Up late fighting with yourself like
“Do I trade him? Do I keep him? It’s a keeper league, and he may be struggling right now, but there’s no way it lasts.”
As you smoke down your eighth straight Marlboro 27 and mash it into your Cleveland-Browns-helmet-shaped ash tray.
After a long, and uncomfortable amount of time spent in that conundrum, you decide to trade your first round pick.
The very next week he snaps off a 67 and an 81 yard touchdown.
“That’s gotta be a fluke week, it’s ok, I’m ok. My season is fine.” NOT.
He goes on to average a calm, cool, and collected 20 points per week for the remainder of the season, and you’re stuck with your thumb where the sun doesn’t shine, and a last place finish.
3. Captain Obvious: “He’s Going to Get Hurt”
This is probably going to be the case for your entire team
But I want you to visualize this with me: 3rd and long, last play before the half, and your first round pick is spread out wide left. The QB throws up a few hand signals, and he gives your first round pick the “run straight dude” sign and snaps the ball. Your pick makes the catch, long story short that safety hits him low and
Your season ends and the rest of your league rejoices because you were sitting pretty in Week 10 boasting a 1 seed going into the playoffs.
Your picks’ ACL hits you with a “Mi Scusi” and you and your season part ways.
4. He’s Going to do Something Really Dumb
Not going to say anything about this one. Just going to use my snipping tool and cut up some headlines for you guys:
People (really) forget this last one
Your pick is going to partake in all of the above.
Sucks, man. Better luck next year.
5. He’s Going to Get a Sex Change
Yes sir. It’s 2016. Everybody gets to marry everybody, we’re curing blindness in sheep, and if you’re a dude you can pay a doctor to make you a chick.
Your first round pick is going to indulge in that last one.
It’ll be like Deflategate, but instead of letting the air out of footballs your pick will be letting the air out of his testicles.
Hey, it’s going to ruin your season, but there’s bright future in store for your studly, formerly male first round pick on her journey to an Arthur Ashe award.
You have to send your female RB to the free agency pool, and your season will crumble once again.
Good luck to you all on the slope of snowballing fantasy football stress. Please refer back to this blog when you’re staring at that last place finish come January.